Absense

The two other authors of this blog have gone on a writing sabatical due to the insults of certain other bloggers. As we speak they are sitting in a room drinking away their problems. They have just been sitting and trying to find "the funny". Clifford and Critter sit engaged in a verbal battle while nathanial gravely of "i guess im floating", also in the room, is in the act of calling matt jordan of "you ain't no picasso". It seems to me all of these fuckers are in cohoots. They just sit around in a dark room and laugh at their own jokes and gloat in all of their popularity. I wanted to be the one that brought them down several notches. BUT some fucker beat me to it. Fuck you gerard. Wayda destroy these bloggers before I had my chance. What did they do to you? They stole my ideas and beat me up while I slept. I wanted my revenge but you robbed me of it. I hate you.

Patrick

Matt Jordan: Master of the Radio Waves

Because controlling your bandwidth through his internet blog just wasn't enough, Matt Jordan of YANP also has his own radio show, so that he can bombard his signal directly into your brain.

"Thanks for listening to, THE RADIO. You are either poor, or in a car."
Patrick

Matt Jordan is attempting to monopolize every form of entertainment, every one of the body's senses, and there is nothing that we can do but concede to his might. Atleast until he tries his hand at the culinary arts, as I'm skeptical as to his abilities in that field. But for now, bow down to his glory, plebes.

The radio show in question takes place on 88.1 WRFL, the student radio station here at the University of Kentucky. The station used to pride itself in being "the only alternative left," but has since changed its mantra to, "MATT JORDAN!!!!" (followed by drooling). Until now, all those living outside the confines of Lexington had no opportunity of hearing these heavenly sounds, but thank God, because now all that has changed. The following is a feed which will allow you to listen to WRFL, from any place, and at any time.

Let there be light.

Now, WRFL is fine, but if you want the good stuff, and I'm talking about the Matt, then you'll need to tune in at exactly 2:00PM every monday. Oh and by the way, if you miss a show, Matt will know. No pressure.

Also, just in case there's someone out there that is still a non-believer, here's a sample playlist from today's show. You'll find him listed under the alias "mcjord2."

(solve this cube and you open the gate to hell)

Things to come (not funny)

Note: If looking for a cheap laugh, pass this post over. This is serious people. That being said...

(drummer for my favorite band)

I wanted to take one of these brief moments that we have with each other to share some news about some special posts that are in the works for this week. Enjoy.

First, is the introduction of the first of our weekly features, this one being entitled {blogger of the week}. Although the title is somewhat self-explanatory, allow me to elaborate. Every Thursday will be dedicated to the lampooning of a different blog or blogger, other than our usual maintstays of you ain't no picasso and i guess i'm floating. We will feature a new blogger every week. Ideally, this will lead to an expanded cast of friends for our blog, as well as some high brow entertainment to boot. Realistically, we'll probably just weird some new people out.

Second, and lesser by no means, is the impending interview with the Matt, the myth, the legend, YANP's Matt Jordan himself. We intend on asking the questions that need to be asked, and saying the things that demand to be said. If you have any questions for Matt, leave us a comment or drop us an email, and we will try our best to rip the answer from his cold dead hands. Note, Matt Jordan will not actually die throughout the course of our interview. Hopefully.

Finally, Patrick will introduce his new "obscure as hell" movie trivia feature, in which a lucky few may win some very special, in this case special being cheap, prizes, as well as the grand prize, which is the set list from last week's Sunset Rubdown show, and can be seen here. If you doubt the depths and insane obscurity of Patrick's movie knowledge, check out his previous post for a small idea of what you are up against.

Well, I think that's about it for the special features, but of course we will with have plenty of daily updates with all sorts of useless banter to keep you company as well.

igiP to shutdown at request of Gerard, and his bear

We here at igiP would like to sincerely thank gerard vs. bear for their overwhelming praise of our newly established site. We didn't really understand all of it, as it consisted mainly of incomprehensible gibbersih, but we assume it was all good. Frankly, we're surprised you even found us, as we're admittedly rather small and insignificant, but all the same, cheers fellas.

{MP3} Grizzly Bear - Knife

Gibberish is a generic term in English for talking that sounds like speech, but has no actual meaning (like "the mave's rint is slanphed up"). This meaning has also been extended to meaningless text (such as "hgtdkygfdkyfkk" or "spligindysporkmadork"). Also, see gerard.

You Ain't No Law-Abider!

Matt Jordan (in car), in transit to see Viva Voce
(reenactment)

We've really got him this time.

What may, to you, Matt Jordan, be a casual quip at your time-expense to traveling to a far-away concert, is most likely a subconscious expression of your inner guilt.

For breaking the LAW.

The case being:

I just knew that hearing “From the Devil Himself" would alone make the hour-plus drive worth it.

An hour? Plus?

A little investigative journalism, by our crack staff of interns, reveals that if Matt Jordan leaves his place of work (Chad "C.D." Dunwick Central: New & Used Records, Sundries) and, barring any stops for a Jalepeno Thickburger from Hardee's or some Skyline Chili, arrives at the Southgate House, this totaling 84.1 miles, should have taken, on a good day, one hour and 46 minutes.

46 minutes is hardly a number worth of being "tacked on" as a "plus" to the already lengthy "one hour-" time allotment. Any reasonable person, driving at reasonable speeds, would deem the trip "over an hour and a half," "nearly two hours," or "one-point-seven-six, repeating, hours."

"Plus" is a general term, that can be applied to elapsed time. The well-accepted definition of a "plus" increment in time is "6.8934 minutes," or 0.11489 hrs. Thusly, in order to travel 84.1 miles in 1.11489 hours, Mr. Jordan traveled at an average of ~75.4334mph, 10 mph-plus over the speed limit!

Part of me doesn't want to believe the numbers. My mind races for some half-baked notion to cling. All are shot down as quickly as they are proposed. If Matt Jordan had taken his personal helicopter, he would have said "hour-plus flight." If not helicopter, maybe he used a portkey? But we all know that the Southgate House is a well-establisheded anti-apparition venue. How else would they get Yo La Tengo to play there? And the time needed for portkey travel is even less than Matt Jordan, careening in his automobile at break-neck speeds, thus nullifying his "hour-plus drive" statement.

My super-ego cries "Maybe popular bloggers live under different rules of time!" But this, too, is quickly discredited.

The painful truth cannot be denied. Matt Jordan is a speed demon.

We here at igiP sincerely hope that you can confront your affinity towards blistering speeds, and live to blog another day. Godspeed, Mr. Jordan. Drive Safely.

{MP3} The Mathletes - Pinnocchiobot

Floating through a world without Connor

(NOTHING)
by Nathaniel

It has come to our attention that iGIF's Connor is now posting at an exponentially greater rate than his counterpart Nathaniel. As a result, we decided to play a game of "It's a Wonderful Life" by imagining a world without Connor. As you may notice, it's freaking empty.

Now, any other half-ass blog would leave things at that, but here at igiP we're always trying to delve deeper into the issue at hand. The question isn't whether or not Nathaniel has given up on his own blog, it's why he's given up on his own blog. That is the question indeed, and there are so many possibilities. Is it too much time gallivanting off to myrtle beach with lady friends, sheer frustration with ez archive, too much celebrity too fast, fear of incorrect post citation, or shame over his mother's inadequate spaghetti sauce? While any of these answers are probable, the real answer, the truth of it, is one that we don't want to hear.

Maybe it's not that Nathaniel has forsaken us, but that we have forsaken him. Think about it. When the last time you said, "Hey Nathaniel, great post! It made my day!"? When was the last you said, "You know what Nathaniel, Connor's great, but you're the champ!"? When was the last time you even said, "Hi!"? For every "no" out there, we have all served to push Nathaniel another inch away, and only together, can we reel him back in. So next time you think, "when's Nathaniel posting again?" decide for yourself when you're gonna post for Nathaniel.

(Needs a hug)

Paying Tribute to the "Jordan"

(Not actually Matt Jordan)

We all know that matt jordan of you ain't no picasso is hard to please. Once he makes a decision, well that's that. If he decides that he likes Captain D's better than Long John Silvers, well screw you Long John Silvers! Don't come cyring to me, you had your chance. This is exactly why it is so sad to see bands crawling on their hands and knees for him, attempting to regain some status in his honorable court. Take this excerpt from one of his latest posts for example:

The Fiery Furnaces have been on a quest to win back my love lately.

Give it up Fiery Furnaces! Matt Jordan is not just some bar that stamps your hand on the way out. Once you're gone, you're gone, and believe me, you're gone. I know this is hard to swallow, and it might even taste a little bitter going down, but you have to move on. He's in no mood for your games anymore. There are so many other bloggers out there, i'm sure one of them has to be just waiting to know you. So, please, for everybody's sake Fiery Furnaces, just let Matt go. Please, just let him go.

{MP3} The Fiery Furnaces - I'm in no mood

(Furnaces, ready for their walk of shame)

Matt: Uncomfortable With Sexual Deviancy?

It has been exactly one month since the news from one half of the Scottish Guitar Army hit the press: Arab Strap are broken up.

Matt did not deem this newsworthy.

Is it that he was too upset to post his laments? Is he simply indifferent towards Glasgow-based art-rock?

These speculations, too, are unsatisfactory.



Mr. Jordan must have simply realized that Arab Strap drew their band name from a sexual device. Seeing that this is much too graphic for his sheltered audience, he refused to acknowledge such monumental news.

Ironic, since he didn't seem to hesitate from sexual deviation of the publically indecent kind.

So, on behalf of Matt Jordan, we here at igiP (pronounced "Iggy P" to the uninitiaed) thank Malcolm Middleton and Aidan Moffat for 10 great years of brooding darkness. We hope that your obligatory farewell tour proves profitable.

Now, here is the hands-down greatest guitar solo you've never heard, courtesy of Mr. Stuart Braithwaite:

{MP3} Malcolm Middleton- A Moaning Shite

All quiet on the iGIF front?

It has been three days, which of course converts to three fortnights in webblog standard time, since we've heard word from i guess i'm floating. Speculations are rampant.

Could it be more "issues" with EZArchive online personal media management system? Similar problems were referenced in the penultimate post before the uncharacteristic silence. These "issues" are generally thought to be fabrications.

Other sources reference the abundant rumor that blog workhorse Connor is an auto-maton, suggesting that his more-frequent-than-Nathaniel posting regiment and terabytes of all-encompassing independent music knowledge (the algorithm of which is rumored to be the "abandoned" IndiePotent Automaton Implant project, long in development by the Rhode Island Bureau of Investigation) are finally beginning to malfunction. Time for an upgrade?

Perhaps Nathaniel has spent the entire lapse preparing a massive post for Jonathon "Beaver" Sheppard, the magnificent opening act for Sunset Rubdown, a performance of which Nathaniel witnessed immediately before the silence. The Kentucky I Guess I'm (floating/Picasso) conglomerate have their collective panties in a twist for this fellow, he may certainly deserve 72 hours of preparation before a post is made.

BREAKING NEWS: Unconfirmed reports suggest that Nathaniel has spent his weekend attempting to thwart the journalistic prowess of the "tabloid blogs", or "tabblogs," that follow his every movement. Sources imply that Nathaniel has scurried to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to escape the pressures of the press. A full report will ensue.

Posted by Clifford.

Matt to UofK: "Here's some band who rips their music off of Outback Steakhouse commercials, and here are the lead singer's testicles"

The following account took place on September 22nd, 2006. The delay in posting is the direct correlation to the emotional scarring incurred on the aforementioned date. Place vaseline over your lenses, read the curator's post on the same subject.

A smile spreads across his face, like his effortless charisma spreads itself through his webblog posts. Matt Jordan is on top of the world, or at least a stage in front of over one thousand people, throwing out free things to said unruly throng.

Were these people there only to see resident webblogger, the ubiquitous Cubism purist? Does he hold the social reigns of droves of undergraduates?

No. Matt Jordan had united his peers beneath a falsehood: to see a "highly original band." Some band called "Of Montreal," which, upon further investigation, are not even from Montreal.

Outrage is not the right word, but it's the first that comes to mind.

The sea of deception does not end there.

iGIP's crack staff of investigating interns have uncovered that the band "Of Montreal" rips of their music from Outback Steakhouse commercials.

Exhibit A:
{MP3} (G'Day) Mates of Steak- Let's Go Outback (Tonight)
{MP3} Of "Montreal"- Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games (VIDEO)

The offending song was convieniatley absent from the set list.

Along with these larcenous atrocities, the gentle Lexington audience got another "treat" from Mr. Jordan. After a scene straight out of some Dan Brown novel, involving clingfilm and riding crops, lead "Montreal"ian singer Kevin Barnes arose from his sadist punishment with a punishment of his own for the decieved victim-audience: his testicles. From beneath his girl-kilt (Editor's Note: Skirt), the Barnes' family jewels smirked at the one-thousand plus concert goers. Well, they gloated at those tall enough or near enough to the stage to see them.

Even more repulsive was the fact that no one joined my one-person flock, making way towards the nearest exit I had carfully noted before the beginning of the show, in case of emergency. This was certainly one such emergency. I could not wait until I got home and took a hot shower, to cleanse myself of the filth. I would put on some wholesome, relaxing music. Maybe Id bend an ear towards the new Xiu Xiu the blogosphere won't stop blabbering about?

So, thank you, Matt Jordan and WRFL. For luring us into your web of lies and debauchery, and having the nerve not to charge us for it.

Posted by Clifford.

igiP welcomes new blogger

Today, amidst a flurry of confetti and disco lights, igiP (newly standardized abbreviation) introduces its newest blogger: Patrick.

Patrick will head up the "other" section of our blog. He will cover movies, books, drinks, sexual positions, obscure references, and pretty much anything else he damn well pleases. Patrick boasts a dapper sense of style, a cunning grasp of the English language, and an immeasurably large movie database inside his head, officially known as the pmdb.

What follows is a piss-poor attempt at an introductory interview:

clapurhnzsayjckt: Hello Patrick, thanks for agreeing to talk with me this evening

StPatrickIV: Oye

clapurhnzsayjckt: As a new team member at i guess i'm Picasso, how do you see yourself contributing to the blog?

StPatrickIV: Im just hear to keep you guys in check and add my opinion to all of your absurdity.

clapurhnzsayjckt: ok, how did you become involved with this project?

StPatrickIV: I was brought in to spur the posts of a neglegent member of this blog. Also I am hoping this will increase the people that visit my blog and get me closer to the 100,000 devoted followers I already told people I have

clapurhnzsayjckt: what sorts of topics do you plan on covering for igiP?

StPatrickIV: Anything and everything but probably things i know about. Most likely telivision and films. If i get bored with that I will probably just make fun of people

clapurhnzsayjckt: interesting, what are your favorite movies, also provide a small list of your fears for our audience

StPatrickIV: Memento, Fight Club, Donnie Darko, Counte of Monte Cristo, and Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

StPatrickIV: I have no fears, with the exception of spontaneous explosion

StPatrickIV: and maple syrup

clapurhnzsayjckt: ok, is there anything else that you would like our audience to know?

StPatrickIV: If you like what I say and/or just want to hear more of my zany antics check me out at morepopularthanporn.blogspot.com

clapurhnzsayjckt: thanks for the chat, Patrick

StPatrickIV: no problem

Patrick's first post, Absurdity, can found found directly below this one.

Posted by Chris.

Absurdity

Wow, I am in shock and awe that I apparently know a minor celebrity. I think its safe to say that Nathaniel Gravely has reached minor celebrity status now that he has a blog that follows his every waking breath. Being an internet celebrity equates to about a K list actor or actress. That puts Nathaniel on the same level as Sybil Scotford, the librarian in Blacula 2: Scream Blacula Scream. If you are unfamiliar with her you should study up on your blacksploitation films of the early seventies. If Nathaniel's popularity continues to ebb he may even pass Morris Bush of Star Wars fame. He played Dengar, aka Payback, who appeared on the bridge of a Stardestroyer in The Empire Strikes Back with a menagerie of other bounty hunters. His total screen time was less than 2 seconds. We have high hopes for you Nathaniel, so make us proud. On a side note, I have decided that Jena Malone is my dream girl. She is attractive, seems relatively eccentric, and is famous, but not so famous that it would immediately write off the possibility of having sex with me. This is all.

Patrick

Sunset Rubdown @ Southgate House, Newport KY: Some Minor Corrections

Note: This post is in reference to the recent post on iGIF entitled Sunset Rubdown @ Southgate House, Newport KY.

Upon reading the above mentioned story, I feel there are a couple of issues that require addressing. First of all, although not mentioned by name, the two friends that attended the concert with the Nathaniel were Clifford and myself, from right here at i guess i'm Picasso. Nathaniel felt it neccessary to brazenly paint himself as a music hero, delivering the uneducated neanderthals to the promised land of the Krug. However poetic and moving, this was not the truth of it. Oh well. Secondly....
Although completely uncredited, this lovely picture was actually snapped by yours truly. Not referencing sources? Maybe this is why Nathaniel was reviewed at an 8.5/10. What's next, one of our blogging own ripping his posts directly from wikipedia? It would certainly be hard to dodge that bullet.


As for another topic completely, it was previously mentioned that the opening act for Sunset Rubdown, Beaver, was also very impressive, and yes I actually hadn't heard of this one before. It was a very personel experience. Here are some songs:

{MP3} Beaver- i can see the island
{MP3} Beaver- lonelycoastenglishn...

You know what? That might have actually been a iGIP exclusive. Ouch.

Posted by Chris.

Connor's wrath

Breaking News: iGIF's Connor despises the blog gerard vs. bear, and lauds us, all in the same breath. As of post time, neither gerard nor the bear could be reached for comment. iGIP takes one step further towards our inevitable rise to "more popular than porn" status.

The Message:

Connor said...

i agree, blog away! in any case it'll be better than the awful gerard vs bear.

4:43 PM

Posted by Chris.

Consumer Health Alert

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Matt Jordan of YANP may have taken a job as a fry cook at the local Red Lobster. If true, this is a significant departure from his previous employment at Chad Dunwick (CD) Central music emporium. However, further uncitable banter also suggests that Matt Jordan does NOT wear a hairnet on the job. It is highly recommended, repeat, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED, that no one eat Matt Jordan's hush puppies.

NOTE: the above statement was shortly found to be a complete and utter fabrication.

{MP3} Starlight Mints - seventeen devils

Posted by Chris.

Sunset, Gravely, Spaghetti Sauce

Last evening, I had the honor of of accompanying the above pictured iGIF's "Nathaniel Gravely" on a trip to see Sunset Rubdown at the Southgate house in Newport, KY. Obviously, the band blew my mind, as did beaver, a solo artist from Newfoundland. However, how was the blogger? Well....
The only over-hyped event of the night was the spaghetti sauce. All the way to Newport from Lexington, and if you've driven to the Cincinnati area from anywhere you know its a boring drive from any direction, Nathaniel couldn't stop talking about his mom's homemade spaghetti sauce, in all of its infamous glory. We came, we ate, and we used the restroom as well. My take? Overrated. Not only was there enough dill to feed eight Russian families, who love dill by the way, but the entire body and consistency of the sauce just fell completely flat. However, the cookies were tasty.

Throughout the course of the trip there Nathaniel also toyed with the idea of posting a blog entry that attempted to define the word "indie." We took a vote and said no. After breif debate it was decided to be too polarizing of an issue to write about. Plus, it's probably impossible to define such an all encompassing word without sounding like a pompous tool. Instead, it was suggested of Nathaniel that he attempt to assemble the Qur'an in chronological order. He accepted, reluctantly. Look for that post on iGIF sometime in the following weeks.

Pictured above is the set list from the Sunset Rubdown show, complete with a Newcastle beer stain. It was snagged by Nathaniel after the show. And now for the most painfully awkward moments of the night: Nathaniel attempting to have a conversation with Spencer Krug. For as much banter as there was during each song break of the concert, one would not assume that Spencer would be the type of artist that would be impossible to talk to. However, fearless Nathaniel found this to be exactly the case. Even as Spencer was flagged down and pulled aside, his body language was still pointing away towards the merchandise table. Maybe he had to use the restroom, maybe he needed another beer, or maybe Nathaniel's breath smelled terrible, but for some reason, Spencer just wasn't up for talking at the moment. After attempting to ask about Swan Lake, Nathaniel settled on asking for a picture, to which Spencer said, "What, now? Oh, that's kinda weird." I snapped the photo, unfortunately not available, pleasantries were made, and we took flight once more.

iGIP blogger rating of iGIF's Nathaniel? 8.5/10. Hopefully we will see some added maturity on his second LP.

Enjoy:

{MP3} Sunset Rubdown - Stadiums And Shrines
{MP3} Sunset Rubdown - They Took A Vote And Said No

(The Krug)

Posted by Chris.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This blog, and many of the posts within, including this one, is meant to be a farce. Truth be told, the spaghetti sauce was very good. Clifford and I both were very thankful and humbled by the immense generosity and kindness of our host, as well as her excellent cooking. We apologize for any missunderstanding or offense taken in that, or any other regard, and will think twice about delving into such personal issues in the future. Thank you for your hospitality.
-Chris & Clifford

Let there be pillaging

Where are the hubs of independent music? Chapel Hill, NC, Brooklyn, NY... Lexington, KY? Indeed, as students of the globally esteemed University of Kentucky, we were surprised to realize, and even afraid to acknowledge, the presence of two of our very own resident music blog demi-gods, here in this fair city. Of course, we're speaking of Nathaniel of i guess i'm floating and Matt of You Ain't No Picasso.

Here's the deal. At first, this was intended to be another music blog. Then, it was realized that the internet is rampant with such things. Therefore, rather than cover the blog, we will cover the blogger, and steal his music just the same. Here are some examples, enjoy:


{MP3} The Little Ones - Lovers Who Uncover
{MP3} Cold War Kids - We Used To Vacation
{MP3} Bishop Allen - Little Black Ache
{MP3} Suburban Kids with Biblical Names - Rent A Wreck